The Feeling You Cannot Admit - (Hardcover)

About the Book

Book Synopsis

For the first time a book gives parents the framework to name a feeling that millions of them have been carrying in complete silence.

Not exhaustion. Not postpartum depression. Not the challenge of a difficult child or a hard season of parenting. The specific, targeted, and bewildering feeling some parents carry toward a particular child. The one that arrives before a word has been spoken. The one that coexists with genuine love in ways that make no logical sense. The one that has lived without a name, without a community, and without a safe place to take it.

Until now.

Most books name the reader's experience for her and hand her a clinical label. This book does something more powerful. It gives the reader the psychological safety, the honest framework, the scientific grounding, and the spiritual wisdom to name her own experience in her own language for the very first time. Because the most powerful naming is the one the reader does herself. A name handed to her is a verdict. A name she arrives at through her own honest work is a key. And what she names she can heal.

This book was written simultaneously for two readers. The parent who has never been able to say this out loud. And the adult who grew up knowing something was missing in the way a parent loved them. In many families these are the same person.

Author Shaffa is herself a rejected child and a mother of five who discovered that the wound she believed was healed had surfaced in her parenting. She wrote this book from the other side of the healing with the authority that only lived experience produces.

The book introduces two original frameworks. The Love Trinity of Will, Action, and Energy explains why blocked love is not absent love. The Relay Race of Healing maps the generational transmission of this wound and shows why one person's healing changes every generation that follows.

Drawing on the ACE Study, Dr. Bruce Perry, Dr. Rachel Yehuda, the HeartMath Institute, and Stephen Porges' Polyvagal Theory, the book provides rigorous scientific grounding for experiences that have previously existed only in shame and silence.

This is not a book you read and set aside. It is a book you work with. Every chapter includes personal reflection practices, journaling exercises, somatic and body-based practices, and meditative tools designed to move the healing from the page into the body and into the relationship. By the final page the reader will have named what she has been carrying, traced its roots, begun the work of releasing it, and built a daily practice of peace to carry forward.

Comparable titles include Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson, It Did Not Start With You by Mark Wolynn, and The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. What distinguishes this book is that none address the specific targeted feeling some parents carry toward a particular child, and none give the reader the active tools to name and transform it in her own language.

The love was never absent. It was blocked. And what is blocked can be unblocked.