The Power of Parting - by Eamon Dolan (Hardcover)

About the Book

"After decades of enduring his mother's physical and psychological torment, after years of trying in vain to set boundaries, Eamon Dolan took a radical step: he cut his mother out of his life. No more phone calls, no more visits, no more contact. Parting with his abuser gave him immediate relief and set him on a path toward freedom, confidence, and joy like none he had ever felt before. In The Power of Parting, Dolan has written the book he wishes he'd had when he was struggling to free himself from his mother's abuse. In the process, he discovered how widespread estrangement really is. At least 27 percent of Americans are estranged from a parent, sibling, or other family member. He also learned why so much stigma surrounds this common-and often lifesaving-phenomenon. Even among therapists-the professionals who would seem most attuned to the pain relatives can inflict-there's a bias toward reconciliation, when millions of their patients need instead to escape their abusers' grip. Estrangement, Dolan realized, should be understood and embraced, not shrouded in shame. Drawing on his own suffering and healing, as well as experts' advice and the testimony of other courageous survivors, Dolan first explains why abuse is much different and more prevalent than we may think, how it harms us in childhood and beyond, and why limiting or eliminating contact might be our best possible choice. Then, he walks readers through the steps of a successful, positive estrangement: how to take crucial time for yourself; how to make sure no one can gaslight you into minimizing or forgetting; how to set rules for your abuser and-if they can't or won't respect your limits-how to end a toxic relationship. He also offers valuable counsel on how to ease the guilt and grief that often accompany parting, and how to break the cycle of abuse that was likely passed down to you through many generations. With a convincing blend of clarity and empathy, Dolan encourages others to do what he ultimately did for himself: determine whether the people in your life treat you with the care and concern you deserve-and part ways with them if they don't"--

Book Synopsis

A myth-shattering, inspiring book that combines research, reportage, and memoir to explore the growing phenomenon of estrangement from toxic relatives--showing it not as a tragedy, but as an empowering and effective solution to the heartbreak of family abuse.

After decades of enduring his mother's physical and psychological torment, after years of trying in vain to set boundaries, Eamon Dolan took a radical step: he cut his mother out of his life. No more phone calls, no more visits, no more contact. Parting with his abuser gave him immediate relief and set him on a path toward freedom, confidence, and joy like none he had ever felt before.

In The Power of Parting, Dolan has written the book he wishes he'd had when he was struggling to free himself from his mother's abuse. In the process, he discovered how widespread estrangement really is. At least 27 percent of Americans are estranged from a parent, sibling, or other family member. He also learned why so much stigma surrounds this common--and often lifesaving--phenomenon. Even among therapists--the professionals who would seem most attuned to the pain relatives can inflict--there's a bias toward reconciliation, when millions of their patients need instead to escape their abusers' grip. Estrangement, Dolan realized, should be understood and embraced, not shrouded in shame.

Drawing on his own suffering and healing, as well as experts' advice and the testimony of other courageous survivors, Dolan first explains why abuse is much different and more prevalent than we may think, how it harms us in childhood and beyond, and why limiting or eliminating contact might be our best possible choice. Then, he walks readers through the steps of a successful, positive estrangement: how to take crucial time for yourself; how to make sure no one can gaslight you into minimizing or forgetting; how to set rules for your abuser and--if they can't or won't respect your limits--how to end a toxic relationship. He also offers valuable counsel on how to ease the guilt and grief that often accompany parting, and how to break the cycle of abuse that was likely passed down to you through many generations.

With a convincing blend of clarity and empathy, Dolan encourages others to do what he ultimately did for himself: determine whether the people in your life treat you with the care and concern you deserve--and part ways with them if they don't.

Review Quotes

"We don't choose our family members, but we can choose how we want to be treated. Moving beyond societal guilt, secrecy, and taboos around estrangement, The Power of Parting provides concrete guidance on how to move forward when 'working things out' proves too difficult, too painful, or simply impossible. For anyone who has felt trapped by the deep wounds that relatives can inflict, this brave and groundbreaking book offers invaluable clarity, empathy, healing--and ultimately, freedom." --Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone and cohost of the Dear Therapists podcast

"From the family abuse he endured and the estrangement he achieved, Eamon Dolan has made a work of art that will console, inspire, and save many people. His writing is beautiful, his story and the stories of other survivors are riveting, and his guidance is clear and compelling. This wonderful book will help any survivor overcome the toxic legacy of abuse and find the rich, rewarding life they deserve." --David Sheff, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Beautiful Boy

"Genuine and heartfelt...The Power of Parting, addresses the deep emotional scars of child maltreatment and fiercely drives home the fact that we cannot condone child abuse in any form. The elegantly written and well-researched words of Eamon Dolan speak to the immense power of child advocacy and the responsibility of all to protect our children (and our adult inner child) from harm. I love this book." --Karyl McBride, Ph.D., author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

About the Author

Eamon Dolan has worked as an editor at HarperCollins, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, and Penguin Press. He is currently Vice President & Executive Editor at Simon & Schuster. He's also a professional photographer whose work has been shown at the International Center of Photography and elsewhere. He lives in Brooklyn, New York.