Fawning - by Ingrid Clayton (Hardcover)

Book Synopsis

From a clinical psychologist and expert in complex trauma recovery comes a powerful guide introducing fawning, an often-overlooked piece of the fight-flight-freeze reaction to trauma--explaining what it is, why it happens, and how to help survivors regain their voice and sense of self.

Most of us are familiar with the three F's of trauma--fight, flight, or freeze. But psychologists have identified a fourth, extremely common (yet little-understood) response: fawning. Often conflated with "codependency" or "people-pleasing," fawning occurs when we inexplicably draw closer to a person or relationship that causes pain, rather than pulling away.

• Do you apologize to people who have hurt you?
• Ignore their bad behavior?
• Befriend your bullies?
• Obsess about saying the right thing?
• Make yourself into someone you're not . . . while seeking approval that may never come?

You might be a fawner.

Fawning explains why we stay in bad jobs, fall into unhealthy partnerships, and tolerate dysfunctional environments, even when it seems so obvious to others that we should go. And though fawning serves a purpose--it's an ingenious protective strategy in unsafe situations--it's a problem if it becomes a repetitive, compulsory reaction in our daily lives.

But here's the good news: we can break the pattern of chronic fawning, once we see it for the trauma response it is. Drawing on twenty years of clinical psychology work--as well as a lifetime of experience as a recovering fawner herself--Dr. Ingrid Clayton demonstrates WHY we fawn, HOW to recognize the signs of fawning (including taking blame, conflict avoidance, hypervigilance, and caretaking at the expense of ourselves), and WHAT we can do to successfully "unfawn" and finally be ourselves, in all our imperfect perfection.

Review Quotes

"In Fawning, Dr. Ingrid Clayton offers a compassionate and insightful look at one of the most misunderstood trauma responses. Drawing from both clinical expertise and personal experience, she gives voice to those who learned to survive by being agreeable, invisible, and accommodating. This book is a powerful revelation for anyone who has ever mistaken being 'nice' for being safe. Fawning is an essential guide to understanding yourself more deeply and stepping into your full truth."
--Nedra Glover Tawwab, New York Times bestselling author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace and Drama Free

"Anyone who has ever people-pleased, self-silenced, tried to be perfect, or apologized to someone who is harming them must read this book....Dr. Clayton brings her personal story and clinical wisdom to shine a light on this 'forgotten' albeit universal trauma response. This book is a must-read, and a loving and empathic guidebook to healing from all forms of relational trauma."
--Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., New York Times bestselling author of It's Not You: Understanding and Healing from Narcissistic People

"So many of us learned to be attuned to everyone but ourselves. In Fawning, Dr. Clayton shows how this pattern begins, how it persists, and how to begin the process of returning to your own needs. Her insights are a gift to anyone who's ever confused people-pleasing with love."
--Jessica Baum, LMHC, author of Anxiously Attached

"Survivors tired of pathologizing and shameful narratives will find deep comfort and empowerment in this valuable resource. In turns compassionate, gentle, and a motivating rallying cry towards healing."
--Stephanie Foo, New York Times bestselling author of What My Bones Know

"In her groundbreaking book, Dr. Clayton masterfully illuminates a trauma response that is rarely discussed in depth. With creativity, courage, and exceptional insight, she delivers profound knowledge while keeping readers engaged throughout this important exploration. Fawning stands as an essential contribution to our understanding of human behavior, offering both clarity and practical wisdom for those navigating the effects of complex trauma. A truly transformative read."
--Dr. Galit Atlas, author of Emotional Inheritance, faculty NYU Postdoctoral Program for Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis

"Occasionally, a book comes along that illuminates your world. Like rain after drought, it's magic. Fawning, Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves and How to Find Our Way Back is the rain, and Dr. Ingrid Clayton's voice is the magic. If your behaviors have ever left you bewildered and ashamed because they don't reflect who you are, this book is a gift for you."
--Kelly McDaniel LPC, trauma therapist and best-selling author of Mother Hunger and Ready to Heal

"As a woman in long-term recovery and a lifelong seeker, I've read every book, joined every program, and sat with countless professionals trying to understand what was wrong with me. I've found glimpses of insight along the way--but nothing has touched the root of my pain with the clarity, depth, and compassion of Fawning. Every page is a revelation. Dr. Clayton brings piercing clarity to the confusion, self-abandonment, and emotional contortions I've lived with my entire life. She shines a compassionate light on what was actually happening--not just in me, but around me. And in doing so, she offers a real path to freedom. For the first time, I felt fully seen--not pathologized, not judged, but deeply understood. Fawning isn't just another self-help book. It's a paradigm shift. A lifeline. I believe it will liberate millions."
--Laura McKowen, bestselling author of We Are The Luckiest and Push Off from Here

"This is the book on fawning--part memoir, part manual, all heart. Clayton doesn't just explain the trauma response; she lived it, named it, and now she's teaching the rest of us how to reclaim ourselves." --Patrick Teahan, MSW

"With Fawning, Ingrid Clayton compassionately honors the parts of ourselves that learned to survive through over-accommodation and people-pleasing. Her work gives readers practical ways to develop Self-leadership with these often-misunderstood protectors, creating the inner safety needed for true healing."
--Richard Schwartz, Ph.D., author of No Bad Parts and founder of Internal Family Systems

"[An] empathetic primer on fawning as a survival response in an unsafe world. . . Clayton valuably illuminates the inner workings and invisible tolls of fawning as a response to trauma, and her unfailingly empathetic tone ensures readers won't feel judged. This edifies and reassures." --Publishers Weekly

About the Author

Dr. Ingrid Clayton is a licensed clinical psychologist with a master's in transpersonal psychology and a PhD in clinical psychology. She has had a thriving private practice for more than sixteen years and is a regular contributor to Psychology Today, where her blog Emotional Sobriety has received more than one million views. She lives in Los Angeles, California.