How to Feel Loved - by Sonja Lyubomirsky & Harry Reis (Hardcover)

Book Synopsis

In this pioneering work, a renowned happiness scientist and a top relationship researcher draw on the science of happiness, love, and human connection to offer a powerful framework to help readers appreciate and nurture what makes them feel truly loved.

We can be loved--and still not feel loved. Many people believe that if they behave the right way, say the right things, or make themselves more lovable, they will feel more loved. But this kind of reflexive thinking is fundamentally misguided, causing a disconnect that can lead to loneliness, depression, and self-doubt. Sonja Lyubomirsky, the world's preeminent expert on happiness, and Harry Reis, one of the world's leading experts on relationships and connection, have studied the complexities of well-being and love in depth. Truly feeling loved, they've discovered, differs widely from the actions that we usually associate with loving, being loved, and falling in love.

In this exceptional book, they present a radical, hopeful, and science-backed shift in how to think about love, revealing that feeling loved isn't about making ourselves more appealing, available, and lovable--it's about showing our full and vulnerable selves to others and encouraging our loved ones to reveal their full and vulnerable selves to us. This is true for romantic love but also for the love we feel in friendship, family, and beyond.

In How to Feel Loved, they introduce five powerful mindsets--tools to help us feel the love we crave with the people in our lives.

A Sharing mindset--showing our vulnerabilities and inner world, not just the polished parts

A Listening-to-Learn mindset--making space to truly tune in to another, not just to take turns speaking

A Radical Curiosity mindset--being genuinely interested in another and asking better questions

An Open-Heart mindset--being kind and affirming to another for who they truly are

A Multiplicity mindset--embracing the messy complexity in all of us

These mindset shifts give shape to a dynamic back-and-forth process the authors call the Relationship Sea-Saw, which will help readers remake their conversations in ways that enable them to deeply know those they love and become deeply known by them. It isn't enough to be loved. To be truly fulfilled, we must feel loved. This book shows us how.

Review Quotes

"To love and to feel loved--if this is what you want out of life, what does science have to tell you? There aren't two scientists in the world I trust more to deliver research-backed, actionable recommendations on how to improve your relationships, from intimate to casual. Not only are they world experts on the subject, they've written a playbook that applies the evergreen principles of love to the dilemmas of modern life." - Angela Duckworth, Rosa Lee and Egbert Chang Professor, University of Pennsylvania, and author of Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance
"Science and ancient wisdom have shown that the secret to happiness is to love--and to feel loved. If you struggle with the latter, Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis have the solution. How to Feel Loved is a deeply researched and beautifully written guide to finding what we all need for true happiness. This book might change your life." - Arthur C. Brooks, Harvard Professor and #1 New York Times bestselling author of Build the Life You Want
"In How to Feel Loved, Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis identify the five mindsets that show love isn't something you wait for; it's something you help create through small, everyday choices. This book is a gift to anyone who wants to live with more joy and connection, which will also help you live longer." - Dan Buettner, National Geographic Fellow and #1 New York Times bestselling author of The Blue Zones
"Everyone wants to feel more loved. It's remarkable that no one thought to study such a central driver of human happiness before. Lyubomirsky and Reis have done a beautiful job combining real science with compelling stories to show us exactly how to make this happen. Their approach is non-obvious, fruitful, and evidence-based--an important body of work." - David Rock, D.Prof., CEO, Neuroleadership institute, and author of Your Brain at Work
"It's about time an expert on happiness (Lyubomirsky) and one on relationships (Reis) came together! In How to Feel Loved, they show that the true key to happiness lies not in being perfect, nor in finding the ideal partner, but in learning how to relate to others so as to feel loved. Through research and stories, they outline simple but powerful mindsets--sharing openly, listening with curiosity, embracing complexity, and keeping an open heart--that anyone can practice. Their 'Sea-Saw' metaphor reveals how love grows through a back-and-forth process of mutual lifting up, offering readers both inspiration and practical guidance." - Margaret S. Clark, John M. Musser Professor of Psychology at Yale University
"This is the book we've been waiting for! Lyubomirsky and Reis marry the best happiness science with the best relationship science to identify the five mindsets for building a life filled with love." - Eli J. Finkel, bestselling author of The All-Or-Nothing Marriage and host of the Love Factually podcast
"People yearn for connection. Sadly, most advice on how to fill that void is vague or misguided. In this engaging read, Sonja and Harry offer a clear-eyed reason for hope, teaching us that feeling loved is up to us. Let their decades of studying love and happiness inspire richer conversations that raise you to your higher ground." - Barbara Fredrickson, Kenan Distinguished Professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and author of Love 2.0 and Positivity

"Thousands of books promise to teach us how to be rich, thin, beautiful, charming, or smart. But beneath these aspirations lies a simpler motive: most people want to be loved and appreciated by others. Imagine, then, the audacity of publishing a book that claims to show us how to be and feel loved. Two world-famous psychological scientists, Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis, have just done exactly that. How to Feel Loved is one of the most compelling works of popular psychology I've read in many years. This beautifully written book is both personal and scientific--sometimes funny, sometimes painful, and always thought-provoking."

- James Pennebaker, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and author of Opening Up by Writing It Down