When Men Batter Women - by John Gottman & Neil Jacobson (Paperback)

Book Synopsis

While national awareness of the issue of battering has increased in recent years, certain myths regarding abusive relationships still endure, including the idea that all batterers are alike. But as Neil S. Jacobson, Ph.D., and John Gottman, Ph.D., explain, this is not the case. Drawing on the authors' own research, When Men Batter Women offers a significant breakthrough in our understanding of the men who become batterers--and how to put a stop to the cycle of relationship violence.

After their decade of research with more than 200 couples, the authors conclude that not all batterers are alike, nor is the progression of their violence always predictable. But they have found that batterers tend to fall into one of two categories, which they call "Pit Bulls" and "Cobras." Pit Bulls, men whose emotions quickly boil over, are driven by deep insecurity and an unhealthy dependence on the mates whom they abuse. Pit Bulls also tend to become stalkers, unable to let go of relationships that have ended.

Cobras, on the other hand, are cool and methodical as they inflict pain and humiliation on their spouses or lovers; in one chilling discovery, the authors found that during violent arguments and physical beatings the heart rate of Cobras actually declines. Cobras have often been physically or sexually abused themselves, frequently in childhood, and tend to see violence as an unavoidable part of life.

Knowing which type a batterer is can be crucial to gauging whether an abusive relationship is salvageable (Pit Bulls can sometimes be helped through therapy) or whether the situation is beyond repair. Using the stories of several couples in their study, Jacobson and Gottman look at the dynamics of abusive relationships, refuting prevalent myths ("battering often stops on its own" or "battered women could stop the battering by changing their own behavior"). Never underestimating the inherent risk or danger involved, the authors discuss how women in their study group prepared themselves to leave an abusive relationship, where a battered woman can get help, and how she can keep herself safe.

Written with compassion and insight, When Men Batter Women offers invaluable advice and support to women in abusive relationships, as well as to friends, relatives, and caregivers who want to help.

Review Quotes

"The most explosive and yet inspiring book ever written about domestic violence. This book will forever change the way we look at batterers and battered women: for anyone interested in insight into the nature of evil, or the resourcefulness of real heroism, this book is a must. It is the most intimate and lucid description of love gone bad that has ever been written. It is chilling, riveting, and will forever put an end to our ignorance about violence against women."--Elizabeth Loftus Coauthor of "The Myth of Repressed Memory"

"The most shocking and absolutely necessary observational study on abusive relationships of this decade. This will change the way the public, partners, and therapists will look at batterers, assess danger, and decide the likelihood of rehabilitation. The book is frightening because it is about violent men, but it is a must read. It has certainly changed my understanding of abusive relationships and how I would tell women to protect themselves."--Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. Author of "Love between Equals and the Gender of Sexuality"

"Writing with respect for battered women's struggles for safety and their courageous survival strategies, Neil Jacobson and John Gottman offer fresh insights about men who batter. Their research jump-starts a new method of examining battering, and the book provides women with thoroughly accessible information to help them analyze their situations. Jacobson and Gottman's study challenges both conventional wisdom and professional assumptions, and will lead to further research about the questions all women want answered about abusive partners: why do they do it, and what will make them stop?"--Ginny Nicarthy Author of "Getting Free and the Ones Who Got Away - Women Who Left Abusive Partners"

Elizabeth Loftus Coauthor of "The Myth of Repressed Memory" The most explosive and yet inspiring book ever written about domestic violence. This book will forever change the way we look at batterers and battered women: for anyone interested in insight into the nature of evil, or the resourcefulness of real heroism, this book is a must. It is the most intimate and lucid description of love gone bad that has ever been written. It is chilling, riveting, and will forever put an end to our ignorance about violence against women.

Ginny Nicarthy Author of "Getting Free and the Ones Who Got Away - Women Who Left Abusive Partners" Writing with respect for battered women's struggles for safety and their courageous survival strategies, Neil Jacobson and John Gottman offer fresh insights about men who batter. Their research jump-starts a new method of examining battering, and the book provides women with thoroughly accessible information to help them analyze their situations. Jacobson and Gottman's study challenges both conventional wisdom and professional assumptions, and will lead to further research about the questions all women want answered about abusive partners: why do they do it, and what will make them stop?

Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. Author of "Love between Equals and the Gender of Sexuality" The most shocking and absolutely necessary observational study on abusive relationships of this decade. This will change the way the public, partners, and therapists will look at batterers, assess danger, and decide the likelihood of rehabilitation. The book is frightening because it is about violent men, but it is a must read. It has certainly changed my understanding of abusive relationships and how I would tell women to protect themselves.

Elizabeth Loftus

Coauthor of "The Myth of Repressed Memory"

The most explosive and yet inspiring book ever written about domestic violence. This book will forever change the way we look at batterers and battered women: for anyone interested in insight into the nature of evil, or the resourcefulness of real heroism, this book is a must. It is the most intimate and lucid description of love gone bad that has ever been written. It is chilling, riveting, and will forever put an end to our ignorance about violence against women.

Ginny Nicarthy

Author of "Getting Free and the Ones Who Got Away - Women Who Left Abusive Partners"

Writing with respect for battered women's struggles for safety and their courageous survival strategies, Neil Jacobson and John Gottman offer fresh insights about men who batter. Their research jump-starts a new method of examining battering, and the book provides women with thoroughly accessible information to help them analyze their situations. Jacobson and Gottman's study challenges both conventional wisdom and professional assumptions, and will lead to further research about the questions all women want answered about abusive partners: why do they do it, and what will make them stop?

About the Author

John Gottman, Ph.D, is Professor of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he has been studying marriages for the past twenty-two years. He is the author of several previous books, including Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and The Heart of Parenting, as well as numerous scientific papers.