How to Be Real - by Stephen Frosh (Hardcover)

Book Synopsis

Profound, challenging and restorative - How to Be Real offers a path to a more radical future of the self, from one of the leading psychotherapeutic thinker of our times.

How to be Real tackles one of the most urgent questions: how can we thrive in a world that is so troubling and confusing? We are constantly being told that we must be 'authentic' and 'real' whilst our sense of reality is being undermined, fragmenting our experiences and dividing people from each other. In the face of such dilemmas Frosh argues that gaining a sense of reality requires us to face the complexity of modern life. We must learn to think more clearly and bravely about it, and to allow ourselves to develop a depth of feeling that may often be uncomfortable or even distressing to live with.

By working alongside thinkers such as Freud, Winnicott and Klein, Frosh argues that we must look to what connects us and appreciate how authenticity depends on the quality of relationships we form with each other. Consequently, 'how to be real' has political as well as psychological and ethical implications. It is out of such disruptive complexity that human depth and relational integrity arise. Frosh pursues this through an exploration of childhood and the development of the self, of why and how we put up defences against reality, and of what hate means. The book describes how we might turn the ghosts that trouble us into ancestors that enrich our lives. It asks us to be brave enough to seek solidarity with others and, finally, to find the humanity in death.

Review Quotes

"With far-reaching expertise and crystal clarity, Stephen Frosh tackles what we all want to grasp, "how to be real", knowing that the messiness of life means we can never be fully sure of our own sense of authenticity. In these pages, Frosh addresses the necessary illusions that daily sustain us as we try to confront, or more often work to camouflage, our inevitably dependent, insecure and vulnerable lives. A crucial text for all of us."
--Lynne Segal, author of Lean on Me: A Radical Politics of Care

"Frosh brings sagacity, verve and deep ethical understanding to his survival guide. Rarely have the social, political and psychoanalytical been bound together in one book with such lucidity - all in the service of confronting our current ills."
--Lisa Appignanesi, author of MAD, BAD AND SAD: A HISTORY OF WOMEN AND THE MIND DOCTORS

"We only become real for ourselves by first acknowledging the reality of others - who may have different ideas of what's real. It's just one lesson from this indispensable survival guide to a reality many of us, in a world grown too frightening and uncertain, are seeking to escape. Yet the wisdom and timeliness of this remarkable book is that it shows what being real can also mean: not only reckoning with life's harshest truths, but possessing life's deepest pleasures and possibilities as well."
--Devorah Baum, author of On Marriage

"Stephen Frosh is an excellent and humane guide to the meanings of selfhood in challenging times. His book leads us through a maze of debates, thought experiments, and arguments. It'll be of immediate interest to anyone grappling with the implications of the AI revolution for psychological therapies. A timely, readable, and fascinating introduction."
--Daniel Pick, author of Brainwashed

About the Author

Stephen Frosh is Emeritus Professor of Psychology at Birkbeck, University of London. He is one of the founders of Psychosocial Studies in the UK, bringing together sociological and psychological (especially psychoanalytic) perspectives. He has published over 20 books as well as over 150 academic articles. He is co-editor of The Palgrave Handbook of Psychosocial Studies (2024) and the Routledge International Handbook of Psychoanalysis and Jewish Studies (2025).