Not Exactly Love - by Betty Hafner (Paperback)

About the Book

At twenty-five Betty Hafner, thought she'd found the man to make her dream of a family and cozy home come true--but after they married, his rages turned the dream into a nightmare, and Betty had to decide: stay with the man she loved, or find a way to leave.

Book Synopsis

It was 1969, and all the rules were changing, when Betty, a woefully single French teacher on Long Island, met the handsome but edgy new teacher at her school, a hippie just back from Woodstock. His vitality opened up a new world to her--but when they married, his rages turned against her, and often ended with physical violence. Like millions of women who discover they've married an abusive man, Betty was forced to make daily decisions--to suppress her feelings or risk confrontation, to keep it secret or report, and ultimately, to live with it or leave.
Part memoir, part warm-hearted look at the '70s, and part therapeutic journey, Not Exactly Love: A Memoir is an intense and inspirational story of a woman who grew from her experience.

Review Quotes

2017 Readers' Choice Book Award, Gold, in Relationships
2017 Independent Publisher Book Award (IPPY) in Sexuality/Relationships
2017 Next Generation Indie Book Awards: Finalist, Relationships
2017 Independent Press Award: Distinguished Favorite, Memoir
2017 International Book Award: Finalist, Women's Issues
"Prose that vividly and courageously articulates a cautionary tale of abuse."
--Kirkus Review

"Exceptionally well written, brutally candid, and ultimately inspiring, Not Exactly Love: A Memoir is especially recommended to the attention of anyone having to deal with an abusive spouse or friend."
--Midwest Book Review

"Betty Hafner eloquently writes about an abusive relationship . . . a powerful example of how people can gather the courage and insight to create a better life."
--Rosalind Wiseman, Creating Cultures of Dignity, author of the New York Times bestseller Queen Bees and Wannabes

"Breaking the silence about the complex dynamics of abusive relationships is the most powerful act anyone--victim, bystander, or perpetrator--can take. Bravo to Betty Hafner!"
--Leslie Morgan Steiner, author of the New York Times best seller Crazy Love

"Why do women stay--and how do they gain the courage to leave? Betty Hafner's memoir is both a courageous portrait of a woman and her will, and a moving guide for women who are also dealing with the horrors of domestic violence. Her story will resonate with some and give spirit to others, and is an indelible document for readers and feminists everywhere."
--Lizzie Skurnick, author of Shelf Discovery

"Betty Hafner's intelligence is on display throughout. She shares such piercing insights that burst the bubble of attraction, enabling, love and marriage, family repression, the complexity of domestic entanglements--and her atmospheric elements do a wonderful job of giving fullness to the scenes."
--Matthew Klam, author of Sam the Cat and Other Stories

"Hafner's deft prose puts the reader inside the story, revealing in intimate detail the anguish of ongoing physical abuse, the slow building of a victim's agency, and, finally, the redemptive power of boldly taking back one's freedom."
--Robin Rinaldi, Author of The Wild Oats Project

"Not Exactly Love is a brave and honest account of a domestic violence victim's tense, unpredictable world. Illustrating many of the early warning signs that batterers typically display, it accurately describes the complex dynamics of an abusive relationship. Betty's story offers a raw, unflinching description of the tough choices and sacrifices survivors are often forced to make, but ends with an inspiring lesson on the cathartic power of letting go."
--Lynn Fairweather, MSW, Author of Stop Signs: Recognizing, Avoiding, and Escaping Abusive Relationships

"For the literally millions of women who are physically abused and emotionally terrorized Not Exactly Love clearly explains the attachments, fears, and rationalizations that keep a woman trapped in a toxic relationship. Better yet, Betty Hafner writes beautifully about how she took charge of her life and grew strong enough to break free. Both a gripping story and a manual for survivors."
--Barbara Esstman, author of The Other Anna, Night Ride Home, and Sure Thing

"In Not Exactly Love, Betty Hafner captures the very essence of what it can be like living in an abusive relationship. We get an intimate view into Betty's world in an honest, compelling way, and we find ourselves rooting for her to regain control of her body, her mind, and her life. As a clinician who works with victims of domestic abuse every day, I would recommend the book to anyone seeking to understand, and perhaps to help, a loved one or friend facing that situation."
--Stacy Lang, PhD, LCSW, Director of Outreach/ Clinician at The Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse (JCADA)

About the Author

Betty Hafner has written monthly book reviews for more than a decade in The Town Courier newspaper in Montgomery County, MD. She wrote two practical career-change books that stemmed from her workshops for adults--Where Do I Go From Here? published by Lippincott (2001) and The Nurse's Guide to Starting a Small Business, published by Pilot Books (1992). With an MS in counseling, Hafner considers herself a teacher and counselor by trade and by nature, but she also loves telling stories through her artwork, photographs, and writing. She lives outside Washington, DC with her husband.