The Dance of Connection - by Harriet Lerner (Paperback)

About the Book

With remarkable clarity, a renowned psychologist shows both men and women how to talk to someone when they are angry, hurt, frustrated, insulted, betrayed, or even desperate. Guiding readers to take specific steps to heal broken relationship connections, Lerner shows how to navigate relationships with integrity, courage, and conviction.

Book Synopsis

Bestselling author Harriet Lerner focuses on the challenge and the importance of being able to express one's "authentic voice" in intimate relationships.

The key problem in relationships, particularly over time, is that people begin to lose their voice. Despite decades of assertiveness training and lots of good advice about communicating with clarity, timing, and tact, women and men find that their greatest complaints in marriage and other intimate relationships are that they are not being heard, that they cannot affect the other person, that fights go nowhere, and that conflict brings only pain, making effective conflict resolution seem impossible. Although an intimate, long-term relationship offers the greatest possibilities for knowing the other person and being known, these relationships are also fertile ground for silence and frustration when it comes to articulating a true self. And yet giving voice to this self is at the center of having both a relationship and a self, the foundation of true self-respect. Much as she did in THE MOTHER DANCE, Lerner will approach this rich subject with tales from her personal life and clinical work, inspiring and teaching readers to speak their own truths during difficult conversations with the most important people in their lives.

Based on decades of clinical work, Dr. Lerner offers clear, evidence-based strategies to transform your relationships:

• Find Your Authentic Voice: Stop losing yourself in your most important relationships and learn to speak your mind and heart with clarity, even when you feel unheard.
• Navigate Communication Problems: Move beyond fights that go nowhere. Understand the common patterns--like silent men and angry women--and discover how to make conflict an opportunity for growth.
• Set Healthy Boundaries: Clarify your "bottom line"--the values and limits you won't compromise. Learn to say what you will and won't accept to preserve your integrity and well-being.
• Understand Your Family Dynamics: Discover how your first family taught you (or didn't teach you) to speak, and how to unlearn patterns of silence or frustration that are holding you back.

From the Back Cover

In her most affirming and life-changing book yet, Dr. Harriet Lerner teaches us how to restore love and connection with the people who matter the most. In The Dance of Connection we learn what to say (and not say) when:

• We need an apology, and the person who has harmed us won't apologize or be accountable.
• We don't know how to take a conversation to the next level when we feel desperate.
• We feel worn down by the other person's criticism, negativity, or irresponsible behavior.
• We have been rejected or cut off, and the other person won't show up for the conversation.
• We are struggling with staying or leaving, and we don't know our "bottom line."
• We are convinced that we've tried everything -- and nothing changes.

Filled with compelling personal stories and case examples, Lerner outlines bold new "voice lessons" that show us how to speak with honor and personal integrity, even when the other person behaves badly.

Whether we're dealing with a partner, parent, sister, or best friend, The Dance of Connection teaches us how to navigate our most important relationships with clarity, courage, and joyous conviction.

Review Quotes

"The Dance of Connection can save your marriage, a friendship, and your relationship with your mother, father, sister, brother--even your boss. Brimming with practical advice, sharp wit, extraordinary knowledge, deep caring." - Edward M. Hallowell, M.D.
"Lerner does a remarkable job teaching us new steps in the complicated, mysterious, painful and beautiful dance that we call family life." - Mary Pipher, Ph.D.