Bonded by Evolution - by Paul Eastwick (Hardcover)

Book Synopsis

A groundbreaking look at the science of attachment and compatibility, challenging our most fundamental assumptions about love and attraction and revealing the real keys to lasting connection and deeper relationships.

"Riveting insights . . . on the idiosyncratic, contingent ways real relationships develop."--Science

Modern media and culture have taught you a vast array of inaccurate ideas about dating and relationships. Scroll through Instagram and Tiktok, and you'll inevitably see the influence of a buzzy new branch of science--evolutionary psychology--at play in videos, touting gender stereotypes and spreading a deeply flawed story about romance and connection. Evolutionary psychology claims that our minds have been shaped by primal drives that pit the genders against each other, from the myth that men are wired to be promiscuous to the notion that wealth, status, and beauty are the ultimate aphrodisiacs.

In Bonded by Evolution UC Davis psychology professor Paul Eastwick reveals that these stories bear little resemblance to how pair-bonding really works. While beauty and charisma factor into first impressions, their influence fades fast--after a few months, we barely agree on who's "desirable." Drawing on pathbreaking research--including original experiments from his own lab--Eastwick explains that lasting attraction has, from ancestral times through the present, been built through gradual, often mundane moments that forge strong attachment bonds. Ultimately, he offers a liberating new paradigm for finding meaningful, exciting relationships, showing us:

• Why the traits we often look for in a partner--personality, lifestyle, values, and humor--are poor predictors of compatibility, and what behaviors and experiences we should focus on instead
• Why someone's tendency to "date around" or their reputation as a player has little bearing on their long-term relationship potential
• Why the most secure relationships offer a "safe haven" and "secure base" for each partner, and how to cultivate them in new and existing relationships

By excavating the hidden history of human mating, Eastwick paints a radical new picture of the roots of enduring chemistry. Distilling evolutionary biology, anthropology, and psychology into accessible insights, Bonded by Evolution explains why we so often choose dating strategies that make us miserable and how to use a more evolved approach.

Review Quotes

"In this bold and compelling challenge to the popular science of romance, Paul Eastwick argues that human beings have not evolved to find partners who match their beauty and brilliance or maximize the potential of their offspring, but to seek compatibility. The implications of this thesis are both profound and pragmatic, suggesting an entirely different approach to the study--and pursuit--of love."--Eric Klinenberg, Helen Gould Shepard Professor in the Social Sciences at NYU and coauthor of Modern Romance

"[R]iveting insights . . . This combination of evolutionary thinking with contemporary social processes delivers some of the book's most interesting and useful moments."--Science Magazine

"Eastwick's research comes at an interesting time, when more and more singles are rebelling against the apps, finding them dissatisfying, shallow and fundamentally overwhelming. . . . [Written] with some urgency. . . . [He] takes us right up to the edge of what the research can tell us about love and compatibility, or at least everything that can be measured and assessed."--Bloomberg Weekend

"[Paul Eastwick's] new book, Bonded by Evolution, is one of the most joyfully uplifting antidotes to 21st-century gloom, and a call for the rising numbers of single young people to get off their phones and back out there in the real dating world."--Times (UK)

"In a world saturated with cynical advice about dating and gender, this book is a revelation. Eastwick argues--persuasively and often movingly--that human beings are built for cooperation, not conquest. Bonded by Evolution is rigorous science written with warmth and moral clarity."--Daniel H. Pink, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Drive and The Power of Regret

"A pro-tip for the lovelorn, Bonded by Evolution overturns the flawed conventional wisdom on love and compatibility. It presents an optimistic new paradigm, one that provides clear guidance for romantic success."--Eli Finkel, author of The All-or-Nothing Marriage

"Bolstered by thorough research, lucid personal anecdotes, and useful questionnaires, the result is an astute road map for finding a love that lasts."--Publishers Weekly, starred review

"Cutting through memes, myths, and misinformation, Bonded by Evolution teaches us what science really says about love and dating: All people, of all genders, have been equipped by Mother Nature to build sexy, satisfying partnerships. Whether you are a young person bewildered by the dating world, or a not-so-young person looking for some evidence-based encouragement, you must buy this book!"--Kathryn Paige Harden, author of Original Sin and The Genetic Lottery

About the Author

Paul Eastwick is a Professor of Psychology at UC Davis, where he serves as the head of the Social-Personality Psychology program and the director of the Attraction and Relationships Research Laboratory. Thousands of undergraduate students have taken his course on attraction and close relationships, and he has published over one hundred scientific articles and chapters and won numerous early career awards. His research and writing has been featured in outlets like The New York Times, The Atlantic, NPR, and Scientific American Mind. He hosts the popular podcast Love Factually with his longtime colleague, Eli Finkel, where they analyze rom-coms and romantic dramas from the perspective of relationship science. He earned his bachelor's degree at Cornell University and his PhD at Northwestern University.