Push Back - by Tonya Lester (Paperback)

Book Synopsis

In her debut book, popular therapist, Psychology Today blogger, and go-to relationship expert Tonya Lester offers a master class on how to be effectively assertive for anyone whose aversion to conflict has led to struggles at home, at work, or in relationships.

Tonya Lester has a bold directive for every conflict-averse woman in the world: It's OK to be difficult. Not mean, not rigid, not a bully -- but the kind of difficult that makes the people in your life see you and understand what you need.

Lester routinely witnesses clients and friends talking themselves out of justifiable anger, telling half-truths or backing off to avoid difficult conversations, absorbing disappointment to let others have their way, and doing more than their fair share of work to keep the peace. Why? Because most relationship guidance, both personal and professional, ignores the very real problems of uncooperative and avoidant partners, systemic sexism, and cultural pressures encouraging women to be nurturers, people pleasers, and peacemakers -- and not to "rock the boat." Through exercises, case studies, and real-life examples, Lester shows how to push back.

You'll learn to set boundaries in all kinds of relationships, express your needs, engage in productive conflict, and deal calmly with any resulting backlash from spouses, coworkers, bosses, in-laws, siblings, and children. Push Back gives you the tools to build a life that works better for everyone in it, starting with yourself.

Review Quotes

"Want to know how to speak up? Hold your ground? Reclaim your power? Tonya Lester's Push Back is THE book for women who are done with being sidelined. It's clear and fierce -- a must-read."
-- Soledad O'Brien, award-winning journalist, author, and producer

"If you've ever found yourself overfunctioning, overapologizing, or overexplaining just to keep the peace, this book will feel like a homecoming. Push Back is the direct, no-BS guide to reclaiming your power without losing your heart."
-- Sabrina Zohar, dating and relationship coach, entrepreneur, and host of The Sabrina Zohar Show

"I'm a feminist who has (on occasion) found myself tangled in antifeminist partnerships, taken being 'low-maintenance' as a compliment, and mistaken martyrdom for life -- so I saw myself on nearly every page of Tonya Lester's powerful tough-love manifesto. Reading this clarifying feminist advice was 50 percent ouch!, 50 percent aha!, and 100 percent THANK YOU! "
-- Jennifer Baumgardner, coauthor of Manifesta: Young Women, Feminism, and the Future

"Tired? Resentful? Left holding the bag -- again? Asking for what you want sounds easy enough, but for women, expressing our truth, our desires, and our boundaries can be tricky. This helpful book is filled with relatable examples and real-life scripts so you can stop suffering in silence and start getting what you need. Turns out that you can triumph over your inner perfectionist, your social conditioning, and the unthinking assumptions of your boss or spouse while still being gracious and grateful. And that's good news for everyone. PS: If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for your daughters."
-- Sam Bennett, bestselling author of The 15-Minute Method, Get It Done, and Start Right Where You Are

"With striking clarity and empathy, Push Back spotlights the social forces that wear women down and shows how they can reclaim agency without giving up on connection. A must-read for every woman who's become an expert at anticipating everyone's needs but her own."
-- Allison Daminger, PhD, assistant professor of sociology at University of Wisconsin-Madison and author of What's on Her Mind: The Mental Workload of Family Life

"We've left behind the world of white picket fences and entered the chaotic, complex age of the resistance fighter. Each of us is obliged to take stands. In Push Back, Tonya Lester paints an eye-opening picture of one facet of resisting: the why and how of women demanding the fair treatment and equality they deserve. Arguing forcefully for speaking up, telling your truth, confronting deal-breakers, and employing leverage, Lester provides a blueprint for radical self-assurance and critical self-care. Highly recommended."
-- Eric Maisel, author of Brave New Mind

"Push Back is a powerful and compassionate guide for every woman who's been taught to keep the peace at her own expense. With wisdom, clarity, and practical tools, Tonya Lester empowers readers to own their anger, speak up for their needs, and embrace the kind of 'difficult' that leads to authenticity, deep change, and true connection."
-- Marni Feuerman, MSW, PsyD, psychotherapist and author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships

About the Author

Tonya Lester, LCSW, is a psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and communication. Her work has been published in The New York Times, and she writes the popular Staying Sane Inside Insanity blog for Psychology Today. She lives in Brooklyn, New York, and St. Paul, Minnesota, with her family.

TonyaLester.com